Ban on Coffee Drinking

By Importing animals and techniques alien to the North American soil in the early 1600s, the first English colonists brought havoc to the landscape and lifestyle of the native indians, spreading diseases and environmental chaos, forever marring the landscape from which these indians extracted their livelihood. European techniques of managing the land along with rats, pigs, honeybees and, worst of all, English earthworms, were the catalysts of the great changes of that time. In China, a Western intervention of similar proportions is taking place: the arrival of Starbucks culture.

Once praised as a symbol of China's new economic freedom, the advent of massive consumption of the "black gold of the west" is now said to be working to the detriment of people's well being.

Throughout its great megalopolises, swarms of yuppies and general urbanites bear the symbol of what many anthropologists are already calling "the Chinese black plague": a plaster on the nose.

This new "black plague" started off with individuals self inflicting nose burns through coffee drinking. Coffee drinkers all over the country have joined this new trend which is only made possible by universal use of head-sized cups in all coffee shops. "This is China. We are bigger, we are better. I am lucky to make business trend setting for our glorious great nation", said one coffee place owner who asked not to be identified.

However, his eagerness is not shared by the policy makers concerned with the consequences of conspicuous nose burning practices.

"The theory is simple" explains Chun Win Pen, senior advisor for the Ministry of New Problems in Beijing. "The nose burning is facilitated by the size of the cups. Anybody unused to drinking coffee, will drink from the cup in an exaggerated, unhealthy angle. Once the nose gets in contact with the hot cup, it burns... once that door is open, the individual becomes a part of the group of other nose burners. The solution couldn't be clearer: we eliminate coffee, we eliminate the problem".

The official theory is gathering momentum among tea-makers who are trying to lobby the government to ban the tasty western fruit beyond disputed borders. Protests of tea traditionalists are becoming increasingly common. In the first week of May, tea leaf lovers were seen carrying posters in People's Square in Shanghai with the banners "Ginseng loves you!" and "Lift the leaf again. Coffee is Black!".

Indifferent to the polemics involving consumption of the hazardous drink, Jinlu (pictured above), a Shanghai born Chinese, was quick to dismiss all worries in one sentence: "It's cool!".

Indeed, she does not seem to be alone in her booting of health in favor of carrying a fashionable symbol of prosperity on her nasal curves. Anybody walking around Moganshan, one of the trendiest neighborhoods in Shanghai, can't fail to spot various passersby bearing plasters that some traditionalists might consider "indecent".

"I was there before this trend started. Now there are people walking all over the place with plasters on their noses. And you know what? Most of them haven't even really burnt their noses cuz they can't afford paying 25 to 40 yuan on a cup of coffee. Me and my friends call them 'gee-cee-bee posers' * ! ", she confided.

Local high street shops are already capitalizing on the craze, selling plasters of different colours, shapes and sizes. Meanwhile, back in the old continent, Banksy, the street graffiti troubador, recently posted on his website that a line of funky-looking plasters for this booming market of once naked asian noses is already in the works. "There's huge potential in China, and I'll nosedive into it before any other graffiti artist", said the post.

With over 1 billion people in the country, he seems to know exactly where he's aiming at. China, after all, is and will continue to be one of the best places for adventurers who can smell a fresh opportunity from afar.

*gee-cee-bee = ground coffee beans.